Saying Goodbye...

have you ever found yourself crying...over something you knew was absolutely....

not. worth. crying. over...?

so here i am in haiti...the poorest country in the western hemisphere...i have just found out that the adoption of our son (who we do have guardianship of...thank you, jesus!) not only has NOT been finalized....it has not even been started....

that's right...not even started.

we. got. scammed.

(totally not the point...different story)

the point is that i am skyping with my husband (aka: most amazing man alive)...who is purging our minnesota home...and i have to do the most horrible task asked of any woman...ever....

i have to decide which shoes i will give up.

i fall apart.

take my make-up. take my ubber comfy bed. take my kitchen. but the shoes? really?

i am blessed with an amazing husband who lets me take a moment of silence as i give up my favorite red heels...and who doesn't tell me i'm being a brat for crying when i come to the realization that stiletto boots will be of no use to me here....

but why? why should i have an obscene number of shoes when i am surrounded by children that have none.

or the bigger question....why...when i see these children on a daily basis...is it the loss of my red heels that breaks my heart?

is it because my red heels are more important to me than the little girl who stands barefoot on the side of the road? or...is it because my heart is hardened to my surroundings?

or...is it simply because i am human?

i know it is not simply a result of the first two...more than once i have been the conspicuous white woman sobbing in the streets of haiti. mostly, it is the later...

i am human....a work in progress.

as jesus sculpts my heart to be more and more like his...he is helping me to let go of the things that are not from him...the things that do not define me...

in a human sense, our "stuff" defines us...whether we want to admit it or not. how many times do we say, "this is so you!" or "this is so me!" ?

My red shoes....they were so me!

but if my shoes define me...it is not too much of a stretch to say that the opinions of others define me or that society defines me.

 and they do not.


the longer i am on this journey, the more jesus is helping me to cling to his truth about myself...the more he breaks my heart with things that break his heart...and the easier it is for me to let go of....

...my shoes.

john 3:30 "he must become greater;  i must become less."


oh jesus...let them see only you...