the past year has simultaneously been filled with an obscene amount of blood, sweat and tears….and an unbelievable amount of growth, grace and beauty.
in so many ways the time has flown by….in so many others it seems so far back, that i often times think i surely must be remembering a dream….i am no longer that girl and that is no longer my life.
when we set out on this journey, i had all of these ideas about whom i was, what i was being called to do and why i was being called to do it….
as i reflect on the past 12 months, i marvel at how narrow my vision was in relation to how far reaching god’s plan clearly is…and has unfolded thus far.
before this year, it would not have been uncommon for you to hear me confess that, although i love jesus and he is the core of who i am…i have never been able to fully connect to the things that i read in the bible…scripture has not ever come alive to me….
the fact that i now live in a place with more donkeys than people…where i walk on dusty roads in sandals, eat fish and talk to strangers all day…and travel via sketchy fishing boats….is not an irony that is lost on me.
as i have attempted to process my transition into this new life, i have asked a series of “what if” questions…..
what if….
what if god sent me to this place…..so that i could literally live a life similar to that which i could not understand?
if i am called to live in community with the people of belle anse…if i am called to serve them….do i not first need to practice this service in my home, with my husband and my children? and if i am going to serve my family and live in community with them….must i not first learn to live in complete communion with and servitude towards my creator?
what if….
what if god had to use my passion for changing the world, to bring me to a place where his word could finally come alive to me?
the older i get and the more i learn….the more i understand that i really don’t know a whole lot. as a mother of 2 toddlers, i cannot help but draw parallels between my stage of parenting and my relationship with god.
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as a parent, i sometimes let them figure things out…on their own.
example: that it is not actually a good idea to touch a burning mosquito coil (an incense type thing that keeps mosquitos from devouring us).
….sometimes i have to tell them things.
example: “sorry, i know you think it’s a good idea to smear the contents of your diaper into your brother’s hair….but it is not.”
and then sometimes….i shamelessly exploit their love for nemo.
example: “hey, i know you want to watch ‘meno’…and you can….grandma even sent you a very special chair to sit in while you watch….yes, i know there is a hole….maybe it’s incase you have to go potty while dory is bouncing on the jellies!!! so fun!!”
i wonder how often god has to treat me very much the same….
oh, what a child i am…..
what if….
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| This woman volunteers her time to care for the people in her community with cholera.... |
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| It takes us 2 hours to drive the road that this man will walk... with this on his head... every day. |
so many times people tell me that i am a hero…that i am the hands and the feet of jesus….but i am no hero…this man is a hero…these are the hands and the feet of jesus…i strive to wash these feet with my tears and dry them my hair.
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| The miles these feet have seen.... |
what if i had to be stripped of everything that i know, so that i would have no choice but to depend solely on him?
i’m not going to lie, i have not written for so long because i have had a really hard time processing this transition….while my spirit and my heart have been at peace, knowing i am where i am supposed to be….the toddler in me has been tantrum-ing at the utter physical and psychological discomfort of this life.
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| If you are going to eat a turtle...there is no better girl to do it with! ....and if you are going to get antibiotic resistant Typhoid from that turtle.....sorry, I already claimed her that ride! |
on an emotional level….being in the middle of nowhere is lonely, people! coming from a card-carrying member of the, “introverts united alone club”….that’s a huge statement.
the only way to reconcile the knowledge that you are exactly where god has called you to be and doing what he has created you to do, with the discomfort that comes with it, is to throw yourself completely into his care…to trust, trust, trust and to stand in what you are comfortable in…his truth:
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| A tiny fishing boat....20 foot waves...white knuckle grip. Such a common picture of life.... "Jesus, calm the sea...or calm my heart." |
what if….
what if he sent me, because there is no logical way that i am capable of living this life…by sending me, all glory goes to him.
anyone that knows me, knows that, one….i should be dead and two…i am not capable of climbing mountains.
the reality of this astounds me daily.
not only did god choose to save me from the grips of a 12 year long battle with anorexia and bulimia….10 years later, he has sent me to a place where there is very little food (talk about irony!)
but he doesn’t stop there. he has taken all of the physical scars left behind from that battle….and put me in a place where just one of them would put me at risk….yet he gets me through everyday.
…..and on climbing days, he takes a girl whose body is beyond broken and carries me to the top of the most amazing mountains.
on my own, i can do nothing….everything i do here, every day i live, every move i make is a testimony of god’s power…
his grace.
his mercy.
and of his absolute, undeniable glory.
finally, what if….
what if, he allowed me to believe that i was simply here to empower the community…to help change the outlook for the country’s future….so that through this journey, my eyes would be opened to how much more i needed him….and that i could then see what i was actually sent here to do?
i came to belle anse believing that my call was to mirror jesus in my actions….to feed the poor, give water to the thirsty, heal the sick and bind up the broken hearted….literally.
i did not see a huge spiritual need in the community…i saw a physical need. while everything i do is because of jesus….i did not believe that my calling was primarily evangelistic in nature…..i also did fully understand my own spiritual need…..
as my eyes and my heart open more and more to my own spiritual infancy, my eyes open more and more to the need of our community. while the physical need is still beyond great….i see now that it is really just a stepping-stone.
yes, i have been called to empower this community….to help them as they work towards a brighter future in haiti….but also to help them live for the brightest eternity….addressing physical needs is simply the vehicle by which we are able to fulfill the greater need of the spiritual freedom….that can only come from jesus.
looking back on all the planning and sleepless nights…on all of the blood the sweat and the tears, i wonder, “were they all for nothing?”….because in the end, this has nothing to do with my plan…it has always been about his.
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| Continuing the journey in faith and joy. |
and his face.
today, despite the chikungunya rash that has taken over my body….
it is oh, so well with my soul.
peace & joy,
erika
"declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!"
psalm 96:3
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| On the mountain top.... |
