17 February 2015

Eli Eli Lama Sabachthani


as i am trying to process the physical and emotional pain i’m experiencing these days, i recognize that i am not alone.

i am surrounded by family and friends and people that i do not even know, who are also suffering.

suffering…while unfortunate…is a part of the human experience.

…and yet ironically, the discomfort of others and of ourselves, makes us incredibly uncomfortable.

we say a lot of things to each other…to ourselves…in the midst of pain.

catchy little antidotes that we throw out…words of well-intentioned encouragement.

hang in there.

let go and let god.

keep the faith.

keep on pressing on.

…you know, all those things that sound nice but are actually more obnoxious than helpful.

i sat with a friend the other day…i told him, with great certainty, that if god was shaping me and molding me…in the very near future, there would be no clay left.

he responded by asking,

“what if we have missed the point? what if pain and suffering isn’t about shaping and molding? what if pain is just a result of a fallen world? what if pain is just pain? god isn’t doing this to you, erika…he’s experiencing it with you.”

as i am being bombarded with all the (excuse my language) shit life can throw at me…he did not offer patronizing quips or little rhymes dripping with religiosity.

instead, he slapped me in the face with truth…and THAT was encouraging.

i’ve been thinking about paul’s words in phillipians for a while…

“whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely whatever is admirable….if anything is excellent or praiseworthy…think about such things.”
~ phillipians 4:8 niv

we quote this verse all the time....but when we are really honest, there’s a whole string of unspoken expectations with every quote.

we mean things that make us comfortable….things that make us feel good.

we mean sunshine and flowers…we mean world peace and brotherly love.

but that’s not reality.

…and paul, who was no stranger to suffering, wasn’t exactly a sunshine-blowing kind of guy.

what if these words were a charge to remember this:

“from noon to three, the whole earth was dark. around mid-afternoon jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, “eli, eli, lama sabachthani?” which means, “my god, my god, why have you abandoned me?”
~matt. 27:45-46 msg

he groaned from the depths!

what if what’s good, is that we serve a king that experienced darkness…who experienced suffering…who knows what its like to no longer be able to distinguish between physical and spiritual pain...and who knows what it was like to feel broken and alone?

what if we started looking at these words as some of the most praiseworthy and lovely words in all of scripture?

do we have this much courage?

in the midst of our darkness are we willing to be this authentic?

will we let go of our bootstraps and truly let god be big enough and strong enough to carry the full weight of our burdens?

are we willing to voice what we are actually feeling…are we willing to cry out…just as jesus did…”my god…MY GOD…where are you??”

…because, i truly believe that until we do, we will not experience the full impact of his grace.

until we let go….until we are absolutely authentic….we will not feel this earth shake.

if we continue to power through…we will miss the torn curtain.

if we continue to self-talk…we will miss his voice.

if we continue to hang on…we will miss his hand reaching out to lift us up.

and if we refuse to ask, “why have you abandoned me?”

…we will miss his voice…rolling in with the power of a mighty thunder and the gentleness of a lamb, saying….

"i have never…ever…left your side…

your tears are my tears."

“we do not have a high priest who is out of touch with our reality. he’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all…all but the sin. so let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. take the mercy, accept the help.”
~ hebrews 4:15-16 msg








04 January 2015

Through Rough Waters

the past few months have been hard...

hell, the past few years have been hard.

personally, we have been threatened, attacked, lied to and robbed.

our family has spent more time apart than together...our children have not yet been held by some of the most important people in their lives.

we have fought illness and have faced death more than too many times.

professionaly, we have also been attacked, threatened, robbed and have had to fight against attempts to cause division.

we have seen senseless deaths and unimaginable suffering.

...i am weary and i am broken.

two days ago we faced death yet again...

as we returned to bélans in a tiny fishing boat, the sea turned violent...the waves were so big and our boat was so small...

my children clung to me in fear as a wave crashed over us...

while i cried out for god to calm the sea... i also prayed for him to take my children quickly, should we be tossed from the tiny boat.

...i prayed for them not to suffer and not to be afraid.

even now, though we are on dry ground... the memory causes me to tremble and uncontrollable tears flow.

...it's too much to bare.

so often life feels like that boat ride...the trials seem like the waves that we struggled to ride and sometimes they simply engulf me.

...but just as god carried that boat...he continues to be faithful and continues to carry us through life's storms.

i am reminded of how he has provided...

my children have never gone to bed with an empty belly...they have been healthy and even though we are far from family...we have been given a new family where they find security and love.

god has given us strength to recover from illness...he has been the air that we breathe...and he has surrounded us with a shield of protection.

he has carried us when we could not go on and he is holding us now.

...he bares that which is too much.

i know that he is gathering the broken pieces and building something of unimaginable beauty.

until then...i wait and cling to this promise...

"fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have called you by name; you are mine. when you pass through rough waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

isaiah 43:1-2