The Air We Breathe

i saw her face drop as she made the call….the disadvantage of learning creole is that i also understood her when she said he needed oxygen…

belle anse does not have oxygen.

not an hour before we had been eating lunch together and i gave him my uneaten fish…because i didn’t like the way it tasted…

if only i hadn’t done that…if only we had stayed home…if only…

damn fish!!

we hardly made it home before we were both on the ground with…what we thought was an allergic reaction…but we are now told was mercury poisoning.

i was laying on a concrete floor…i think there was a nurse putting an iv in my arm…maybe injections…

through my own blurred vision all i could see was my husband.

he was seizing.

something happened to me in that moment…i was not going to lose this man…we had not accomplished what we had been sent to do.

satan. would. not. win.

i knew that jason was not going to get the oxygen that he needed….but i had something better…more powerful and more life-giving…

“holy spirit come…be the air he breathes…breathe new life into his lungs and open his airway.”

as our yard began to fill with people…(typical in haiti when it is believed someone is near death)… i slammed my fist down on jason’s chest and i kept praying….

“in the name of jesus…i claim life for my husband.”

and then it happened.

slowly, jason’s color began to return to normal…his pulse and bp began to slowly come back down and his airway….his airway was opened.

the most beautiful words i have ever heard came out of the doctor’s mouth….

“yes! erika…its ok, he is going to be ok.”

the more we learn about what went on that day, the more i am amazed by god’s goodness, provision and his love for us…

jason and i were the only ones that ate the fish, therefore the only ones to get sick.

….the clinic had the exact amount of medication needed to treat the two of us…had anyone else eaten it or if i had eaten more, there would not have been enough.

our children love fish! but we had not eaten with them that day and for some reason…and they will only eat fish for us.

if  they had eaten the amount of fish they normally eat, it would have killed them.

we could not find our epipens. at first we thought we were having an allergic reaction…

given the severity and symptoms of jason’s initial reaction, we would have given him an epinephrine shot…had the pen been in its normal place.

his pulse ended up going over 160…epinephrine also could have killed him.

so many people were so concerned and at our home…that our kids were occupied the entire time…they saw none of what happened.

we are so thankful that they were protected from seeing us in the conditions we were in.

what is amazing to me, is that all of those things….

uncertain schedules…my kids not eating enough protein…stuff being some-place other-than-where-it-should-be…tons of people in my yard…

all these things are things that i struggle with…i get anxious over…that i pray will be different.

but this day…all of those things that i am convinced “should change….” saved us.

ordained chaos.

what if  i am the one that needs to change? what if my typical “breathe and count to 10” method is crap?

what if i truly cannot do anything…anything on my own??

holy spirit come….be the air that i breathe.

it is well with my soul

yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of reimagine haiti’s official/legal birth. while there had been many dreams, conversations, prayers, late nights, and twists in the road before that day…it was exactly one year ago, that reimagine haiti joined the grid…filed it’s fist piece of paperwork and received it’s first official number….that beholds us to the irs.

the past year has simultaneously been filled with an obscene amount of blood, sweat and tears….and an unbelievable amount of growth, grace and beauty.

in so many ways the time has flown by….in so many others it seems so far back, that i often times think i surely must be remembering a dream….i am no longer that girl and that is no longer my life.

when we set out on this journey, i had all of these ideas about whom i was, what i was being called to do and why i was being called to do it….

as i reflect on the past 12 months, i marvel at how narrow my vision was in relation to how far reaching god’s plan clearly is…and has unfolded thus far.

before this year, it would not have been uncommon for you to hear me confess that, although i love jesus and he is the core of who i am…i have never been able to fully connect to the things that i read in the bible…scripture has not ever come alive to me….

i just had trouble relating to a bunch of men that walked on dusty roads in sandals… talking to strangers all day….eating fish…..and who traveled in sketchy wooden boats or on donkeys.

the fact that i now live in a place with more donkeys than people…where i walk on dusty roads in sandals, eat fish and talk to strangers all day…and travel via sketchy fishing boats….is not an irony that is lost on me.



as i have attempted to process my transition into this new life, i have asked a series of “what if” questions…..

what if….

what if god sent me to this place…..so that i could literally live a life similar to that which i could not understand?

if i am called to live in community with the people of belle anse…if i am called to serve them….do i not first need to practice this service in my home, with my husband and my children? and if i am going to serve my family and live in community with them….must i not first learn to live in complete communion with and servitude towards my creator?

what if….

what if god had to use my passion for changing the world, to bring me to a place where his word could finally come alive to me?

the older i get and the more i learn….the more i understand that i really don’t know a whole lot. as a mother of 2 toddlers, i cannot help but draw parallels between my stage of parenting and my relationship with god.

my children think they know what they want….they think they know what is best for themselves and they think they know what the best plan is….but in actuality, they know veggietales, juice and mamba.

as a parent, i sometimes let them figure things out…on their own.

example: that it is not actually a good idea to touch a burning mosquito coil (an incense type thing that keeps mosquitos from devouring us).

….sometimes i have to tell them things.

example: “sorry, i know you think it’s a good idea to smear the contents of your diaper into your brother’s hair….but it is not.”

and then sometimes….i shamelessly exploit their love for nemo.

example: “hey, i know you want to watch ‘meno’…and you can….grandma even sent you a very special chair to sit in while you watch….yes, i know there is a hole….maybe it’s incase you have to go potty while dory is bouncing on the jellies!!! so fun!!”

i wonder how often god has to treat me very much the same….

oh, what a child i am…..

what if….

This woman volunteers
her time to care for the
people in her community
with cholera....

It takes us 2 hours to drive
the road that this man
will walk...
with this on his head...
every day. 

what if god brought me here so that i would no longer simply hear his voice….but i would see his face?

so many times people tell me that i am a hero…that i am the hands and the feet of jesus….but i am no hero…this man is a hero…these are the hands and the feet of jesus…i strive to wash these feet with my tears and dry them my hair.

The miles these feet have seen....

what if….

what if i had to be stripped of everything that i know, so that i would have no choice but to depend solely on him?

i’m not going to lie, i have not written for so long because i have had a really hard time processing this transition….while my spirit and my heart have been at peace, knowing i am where i am supposed to be….the toddler in me has been tantrum-ing at the utter physical and psychological discomfort of this life.

If you are going to eat a turtle...there is no better girl to do it
with! ....and if you are going to get antibiotic resistant
Typhoid from that turtle.....sorry, I already claimed her
that ride!

i am not a sunshine blower, so here it is….there is nothing physically comfortable about the place i now live. i have added at least a dozen new items to my already ridiculously long medical history….not to mention the very unpleasant reality that, on an aesthetic hotness scale, the majority of those items would be classified as “so-far-below-zero-there-is-no-hope-for-recovery.”

on an emotional level….being in the middle of nowhere is lonely, people! coming from a card-carrying member of the, “introverts united alone club”….that’s a huge statement.

the only way to reconcile the knowledge that you are exactly where god has called you to be and doing what he has created you to do, with the discomfort that comes with it, is to throw yourself completely into his care…to trust, trust, trust and to stand in what you are comfortable in…his truth:

A tiny fishing boat....20 foot waves...white knuckle
grip. Such a common picture of life....
"Jesus, calm the sea...or calm my heart."

i am his and he has me.

what if….

what if he sent me, because there is no logical way that i am capable of living this life…by sending me, all glory goes to him.

anyone that knows me, knows that, one….i should be dead and two…i am not capable of climbing mountains.

the reality of this astounds me daily.

not only did god choose to save me from the grips of a 12 year long battle with anorexia and bulimia….10 years later, he has sent me to a place where there is very little food (talk about irony!)

but he doesn’t stop there.  he has taken all of the physical scars left behind from that battle….and put me in a place where just one of them would put me at risk….yet he gets me through everyday.

…..and on climbing days, he takes a girl whose body is beyond broken and carries me to the top of the most amazing mountains.
on my own, i can do nothing….everything i do here, every day i live, every move i make is a testimony of god’s power…

his grace.

his mercy.

and of his absolute, undeniable glory.

finally, what if….

what if, he allowed me to believe that i was simply here to empower the community…to help change the outlook for the country’s future….so that through this journey, my eyes would be opened to how much more i needed him….and that i could then see what i was actually sent here to do?

i came to belle anse believing that my call was to mirror jesus in my actions….to feed the poor, give water to the thirsty, heal the sick and bind up the broken hearted….literally.

i did not see a huge spiritual need in the community…i saw a physical need. while everything i do is because of jesus….i did not believe that my calling was primarily evangelistic in nature…..i also did fully understand my own spiritual need…..

as my eyes and my heart open more and more to my own spiritual infancy, my eyes open more and more to the need of our community. while the physical need is still beyond great….i see now that it is really just a stepping-stone.

yes, i have been called to empower this community….to help them as they work towards a brighter future in haiti….but also to help them live for the brightest eternity….addressing physical needs is simply the vehicle by which we are able to fulfill the greater need of  the spiritual freedom….that can only come from jesus.  

looking back on all the planning and sleepless nights…on all of the blood the sweat and the tears, i wonder,  “were they all for nothing?”….because in the end, this has nothing to do with my plan…it has always been about his.

Continuing the journey in faith and joy.

it is my prayer for year number two, that there will be more sleep….that the blood the sweat and the tears will be only from life well lived in belle anse….not from my own humanity….and that my eyes, my ears and my heart will be eager, willing and waiting for his voice….

and his face.

today, despite the chikungunya rash that has taken over my body….

it is oh, so well with my soul.

peace & joy,

erika


"declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!"

psalm 96:3

On the mountain top....

rogue femenism

women’s lib….

it accomplished a lot…some of which i am even thankful for.

i am thankful that i have the right to vote.

the right to an education.

the ability to hold a job equal to or over men…if i fight and claw hard enough.

i can own property.

i can drive a car.

i can love who i choose.

i. can. wear. pants.

but then there are the things that kinda piss me off….

i had to go to college

i am supposed to climb the corporate ladder.

i am expected to own my own stuff.

sure, i can wear pants….but in the corporate world, that means suits.

with suits come heels….and pretty as they are, let’s just all agree that they hurt….bad.

and last, but certainly not least, is the mantra that gets drilled into every little girls head, nearly from the moment she enters the world….

i. don’t. need. men.

four years ago, i had begun to wrap my mind around the idea of singleness. i was focused on my education and career…i was applying for doctoral programs in clinical psych and had even begun exploring adoption as a single parent.

….but

there was still this tiny little piece of me that longed for companionship…that truly desired a partner to walk through this crazy life with. did that mean that i was not whole? did it mean i was not happy or i that was looking for someone to “complete” me?

no.

what it meant,  was that i was human and that humans are relational beings….just like every other mammal on this planet. i was happy with where i was…i was content with who i was…and i was ok with whatever the future held…

i just had not given up on the idea that my future could be shared…and i am so glad I didn’t.

enter jason unze!

from the moment we met, i understood why i had held onto that hope. it didn’t take long until we were doing life mostly together and were soon married.

there is a lot of conversation about how spouses should not become dependent on one another, how they should maintain their individuality and how the relationship should always be a choice….not a need. each person should function just as well apart as they do together.

blah, blah, blah….

i used to engage in such conversation but now, at the risk of stepping on a lot of toes, i would like to say that this whole line of thinking is crap…it’s destructive and if maintained, sets you up for an incredibly unhealthy marriage.

(no hate mail, please!)

here’s why….before jason and i joined our lives, we were two separate entities. the moment we stood in front of the world (our little personal world) and vowed to choose each other every moment of every day…we became one.

does that mean that we gave up our individuality? 

ask anyone that lives or works with us and they will testify to the fact that jason and erika unze are two very different people!

jason learns with his eyes. i learn with my ears.

jason is all about detail. i really only see the big picture.

jason needs to run and climb and lift heavy stuff. I’m a yoga nerd.

jason is the quintessential extrovert. me…quintessential introvert.

jason is calm and rational. i am…a little bit not.

what’s so beautiful, is that our separate “individual-ness” fit together so well. we balance each other out, we compliment each other and we keep each other in check.

do our “individualities” ever…not fit together?

yup!

which is ok too! conflict and friction are not things to fear, they are opportunities for growth and to learn how to do life together, more effectively…and with greater unity.

(and ummm…not to mention you get to make-up!! heeeyyy!)

i have been traveling and working away from home and thus, away from my family, for way too long. i miss my kiddos like crazy and cannot wait to hold them and squeeze them and smother them with kisses…

but, i function without my children.  not because i don’t love them or cherish them….i do, so unbelievably much! our kids are a testament of the unity and oneness in our marriage.

And while love knows no bounds….it’s difficult to do “oneness,” while you are living in separate countries.

I do not do life nearly as well without jason. we are no longer two separate entities that do life together. we are one-flesh…doing life as one.

when we are apart…i am missing half of my flesh! 

call it co-dependent, call it oppressed…or call it un-liberated…

….but

i wouldn’t choose to do life or marriage any other way. i have never been one to conform…

so, i guess  this is my great rebellion against feminism…

this liberated woman is living the life she has chosen and isn’t worrying about societal norms…

i’ve traded my advanced education for a life in remote haiti and a crash course in parenting….

my suv for a donkey…

the corporate ladder for the 4 highest peaks on an island that i love…

my power suit and heels have been swapped out with cut-offs and flip-flops…

and last, but absolutely not least….i will say, without hesitation, apology or shame…

i. need. my. husband.

 

when i was thirsty...you gave me a coconut

since moving to haiti, i have learned a lot…a lot.

my views have also changed about a lot….a lot.

one might argue that these go hand-in-hand and i tend to be one of those…”ones.”

…the thing is, ignorance is never an excuse.

over the past two years this passage out of matthew 25 has become more and more foundational, not just to my thinking…but to the very core of who i am….

“i was hungry and you fed me,
i was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
i was homeless and you gave me a room,
i was shivering and you gave me clothes,
i was sick and you stopped to visit,
i was in prison and you came to me.’

….i’m telling the solemn truth: whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ “

i love eugene peterson’s translation in the message for one reason….

there is no real separation between whom jesus is talking to and whom he is talking about…everyone can relate to at least one of the places listed.

all my life i heard this same passage…in various other translations….and they all said, “least of these.”

i don’t believe that the original meaning of the text was at all meant to be what it has turned into…but it essentially has become a term with which christians can express…

judgement.

pity.

self-righteousness.

superiority.

piety.

…and all of those other things that we christians do…to make the rest of the world hate us…and want nothing to do with jesus.

i know…that stings. brush it off…deep down you know it’s true so don’t pretend to be shocked…we all do it and we need to fix it.

when did we, not just as a society, but as the culture of christianity, decide that we have the right or even the ability to determine that one life is more valuable than another…that one life is more useful, or successful, or legitimate?

how many times have each of us been “the least of these?”

i cannot count how many times i have qualified for the title….

but the longer i live in this amazing country…with these amazing people….the more god is teaching me about how he sees humanity…about the value that he puts on each one of us and as a result….

i have a growing longing to see humanity in that same light and put that same value on everyone around me.

a few weeks ago, i found myself in one of the most remote places...in the most remote place of haiti. we had hiked 6 hours up a mountain and had just sat down in a tiny village…

thinking that we would surely find a donkey…..or a pig….or a goat that we could ride out…i had a tiny glimpse of hope that i would not have to channel my inner billy goat any longer for the day.

the glimpse was quickly incinerated when we were told that our only options were 5-6 hour hikes in any direction….

awesome.

meanwhile, we started talking to this village about who we were and what kind of work we were coming to do…they told us that their most urgent need was water.

not clean water…but water.

this village had only 2 options for obtaining this essential life-giving element….they could hike 6 hours over the mountains and carry it back…or they could send children down a cliff to collect it from a small fresh water pool…

they could not even count how many children they had lost.

true to my arrogant human self, i immediately thought, “omg! how am i going to fix this one?!?!”

well…while i was busy trying to figure out how i was going to save these people from the unspeakable horror in which they lived….

…god was getting ready to smack me upside the head and cut me back to size.

this village did not have water….but they did have trees and a lot of those trees bore coconuts.

it took a young boy about 3 seconds to shimmy his way to the top and shake a pile to the ground.

one of the elders then cut the tops off and handed them to us….

“drink this, you will need it for your journey back.”

and then…the entire community prayed for us!

what?

yup…they prayed for our safety, they prayed a blessing over our work and over our organization...that still brings me to tears…

in that moment….when i was thirsty, both spiritually and physically, these people….who by the world’s standards have nothing….they prayed for me…

and they gave me the gift of a coconut.

i continue to learn this…

yes, i have been given gifts and passions and resources that can help different groups of people….

but as i go through life and work with those groups…whether it’s the elderly, or the physically ill, or the mentally ill, or the impoverished….

i am reminded, time and time again, that we are all made of the same stuff….

at the core, we are not any different…

in the eyes of our creator we all have infinite value…

i do not work with the least of these…i am the least of these…we all are.

more than that….we all have infinite value….

and that is a beautiful lesson to learn.

peace, JOY & love,

erika