20 March 2014

rogue femenism

women’s lib….

it accomplished a lot…some of which i am even thankful for.

i am thankful that i have the right to vote.

the right to an education.

the ability to hold a job equal to or over men…if i fight and claw hard enough.

i can own property.

i can drive a car.

i can love who i choose.

i. can. wear. pants.



but then there are the things that kinda piss me off….

i had to go to college

i am supposed to climb the corporate ladder.

i am expected to own my own stuff.

sure, i can wear pants….but in the corporate world, that means suits.

with suits come heels….and pretty as they are, let’s just all agree that they hurt….bad.

and last, but certainly not least, is the mantra that gets drilled into every little girls head, nearly from the moment she enters the world….

i. don’t. need. men.

four years ago, i had begun to wrap my mind around the idea of singleness. i was focused on my education and career…i was applying for doctoral programs in clinical psych and had even begun exploring adoption as a single parent.

….but

there was still this tiny little piece of me that longed for companionship…that truly desired a partner to walk through this crazy life with. did that mean that i was not whole? did it mean i was not happy or i that was looking for someone to “complete” me?

no.

what it meant,  was that i was human and that humans are relational beings….just like every other mammal on this planet. i was happy with where i was…i was content with who i was…and i was ok with whatever the future held…

i just had not given up on the idea that my future could be shared…and i am so glad I didn’t.

enter jason unze!



from the moment we met, i understood why i had held onto that hope. it didn’t take long until we were doing life mostly together and were soon married.

there is a lot of conversation about how spouses should not become dependent on one another, how they should maintain their individuality and how the relationship should always be a choice….not a need. each person should function just as well apart as they do together.

blah, blah, blah….

i used to engage in such conversation but now, at the risk of stepping on a lot of toes, i would like to say that this whole line of thinking is crap…it’s destructive and if maintained, sets you up for an incredibly unhealthy marriage.

(no hate mail, please!)

here’s why….before jason and i joined our lives, we were two separate entities. the moment we stood in front of the world (our little personal world) and vowed to choose each other every moment of every day…we became one.



does that mean that we gave up our individuality? 

ask anyone that lives or works with us and they will testify to the fact that jason and erika unze are two very different people!

jason learns with his eyes. i learn with my ears.

jason is all about detail. i really only see the big picture.

jason needs to run and climb and lift heavy stuff. I’m a yoga nerd.

jason is the quintessential extrovert. me…quintessential introvert.

jason is calm and rational. i am…a little bit not.

what’s so beautiful, is that our separate “individual-ness” fit together so well. we balance each other out, we compliment each other and we keep each other in check.



do our “individualities” ever…not fit together?

yup!

which is ok too! conflict and friction are not things to fear, they are opportunities for growth and to learn how to do life together, more effectively…and with greater unity.


(and ummm…not to mention you get to make-up!! heeeyyy!)

i have been traveling and working away from home and thus, away from my family, for way too long. i miss my kiddos like crazy and cannot wait to hold them and squeeze them and smother them with kisses…

but, i function without my children.  not because i don’t love them or cherish them….i do, so unbelievably much! our kids are a testament of the unity and oneness in our marriage.

And while love knows no bounds….it’s difficult to do “oneness,” while you are living in separate countries.

I do not do life nearly as well without jason. we are no longer two separate entities that do life together. we are one-flesh…doing life as one.

when we are apart…i am missing half of my flesh! 

call it co-dependent, call it oppressed…or call it un-liberated…

….but

i wouldn’t choose to do life or marriage any other way. i have never been one to conform…

so, i guess  this is my great rebellion against feminism…


this liberated woman is living the life she has chosen and isn’t worrying about societal norms…

i’ve traded my advanced education for a life in remote haiti and a crash course in parenting….

my suv for a donkey…

the corporate ladder for the 4 highest peaks on an island that i love…

my power suit and heels have been swapped out with cut-offs and flip-flops…

and last, but absolutely not least….i will say, without hesitation, apology or shame…

i. need. my. husband.